Why I went on a diet in the first place. . .

7 Jun

I have no idea when my food addiction really started but I blame my father 100%.  The man ate fudge, Oreo’s, and chocolate Zingers for breakfast.  Seriously.  And because I am his child, I’m a bit the same way with the sweets.  I remember anytime Mama would make fudge or brownies, or anything chocolate, he’d be in it and take some for breakfast on the road.  He also rarely actually sat down to eat a meal.  And anything on his plate was consumed in record time, much to the chagrin of my mother.  My father was never over weight though, and neither was my mother.  Come to think about it, no one in my family really was or is.  Which made me feel extremely self conscious to be the most over weight at any given family function.   

I recently went on a very strict diet which entails 4 Phases that are supposed to be adhered to very stringently.  I had done Weight Watchers before but struggled with it and I think the reason was that it was broken down into weeks, so if you screwed up Monday, you might as well just give up and start over again next week.  Too many of those, and not only have you not lost, but you’ve gained and are now thoroughly frustrated and depressed.  Since my now husband and I met over 8 years ago, I had gained nearly 40 lbs.  Being barely over 5 feet tall, the weight began really getting to me.  I woke up with body aches and came home from work with them too, to the point that most evenings were spent with a heating pad behind my back.  I also had sunk to a place of depression that had totally altered my personality and I was just angry and surly 24/7.  My sweet husband noticed but was wise to not point out how drastically I had changed.  But I knew I had and really hated myself.  So when I heard about a diet some women that worked with my husband were doing, and actually saw the results that one lady had, I figured it was worth a try.  I’m so glad I tried it, now 18 lbs down from where I started.  But I really wanted to figure out why I had to even do it in the first place-why did I let myself gain so much, in such a short amount of time?  Forty-eight days later I really can’t sum that up well but I do know that I eat out of boredom and stress.  I did really well for about 41 days and somewhere in the last week I thought it was a good idea to ‘try’ some chocolate, seeing how I had slayed my food addiction dragon and all.  Ha!  That idea?  Not my finest moment. 

I was at the grocery store a few weeks ago and I thought I would put a good coupon to good use and buy these two Wonka Exceptional bars, and they would be my ‘test’ bars.  Basically a test of my will, to NOT eat them.  I’m a glutton for punishment I think.  They had toffee, cookie pieces, and peanuts in them and they looked fabolous.  So I buy them and hide them from the Husband so he won’t know that I got them.  If he knows, he’ll hide them from me so I won’t be tempted, and I wanted to do this on my own.  To show me, and him, how strong I am now.  LOL  In retrospect, this is truly funny and a very crazy idea!  I had done so welll!  I had gone 40 days with very limited ‘cheating’ and it would only be a bite of something, and that was like 3 different times.  Not bad at all.  Then after 40 days, comes 3 days of no “help” ( drops which help detox you but also help with hunger) and you stay on the low cal diet.  I figured they would be hard, but not so bad.  So I think ‘if I can do 40 of hard core restriction, I can do 3 weeks of less restrictive, no problem!!!’  I’m confident, feel strong, and empowered.  I’ve conquered the dragon people!  This stuff is like magic or something!  On the 40th night, I eat a bite of cookie cake and it’s disgusting; the cookie was under done and the icing tasted like lard with some powdered sugar.  Wow.  Seriously-this is amazing.  So the next day I visit a friend and she tells me about these Skinny Cow candies, which I had seen advertised and I love their products and had wanted to try.  Well, she gave me a packet of the pecan clusters and one of the crispy candy bars, to try later when I’m in the next Phase of my diet.  So I thank her and take them and put them up, for another day.  And then I get to thinking ‘Hey Self, you have done extraordinarily well and you deserve a break today, go ahead and try one, it won’t undo the 18+ lbs you’ve lost!’  So I open the clusters, they are tiny so that just helps futher the decision to have one, and put it in my mouth and WOW.  Amazing.  Yummy.  OMG.  And I proceed to eat the rest of them in the packet.  Just four more, but still.  And I feel so guilty.  But not that guilty because the next day, I eat the crispy bar and it’s equally scrumptious.  And that leads me to eating some of my ‘test’ bar.  It’s so freaking yummy.  Oh my.  And I proceed to eat the entire thing, over 2 days, even once putting the bar in the trash so that I won’t eat the rest because I have realized that I have awakened the dragon and she happens to LURVE chocolate, and these bars specifically.  I have a stressful evening and in my infinite wisdom, I get the bar out of the trash and continue to eat it until it’s all gone.  (Let me interject here and just say that this was the trash can at my house, on my side of the bed, which had just been emptied, with nothing but crumpled up tissue paper on top of it to conceal it from the Husband.  Don’t judge me.)  Then on the third day, I eat two chocolate frosted Krispy Kremes, two Reese’s Cups, two mini Snickers, one pack of peanut butter crackers, one 90 cal chocolate breakfast bar, have a beer, toppings off one half of a large pizza, AND in another bout of infinite wisdom I decide to just eat the ENTIRE second ‘test’ bar, just so I won’t have to obsess about it tomorrow, and just do all my dirty deeds in one day.  And I have ‘cheated’ every day for the past week.  So you see, the dragon has not been conquered.  She is however, currently in a diabetic coma and I’m hoping she stays that way until I can detox from the sugar.  Again.


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